Villagewood

I guess when someone in your family gets sick, you become reflective. Kiley and I were in Chattanooga for Monday and Tuesday of this week. We happened to be driving past my old high school about the time it was letting out and I pointed the school out to Kiley. I also pointed out the way in which I used to walk home from school (until I could drive, of course). Kiley asked where my home used to be. At that point, it dawned on me she had never seen the house Mommy grew up in. So, we took a detour. I drove back into my old neighborhood, past the ball fields where I used to play softball. I showed Kiley where I used to climb through a hole in the fence of those fields in order to get home. We drove down my street and to my old house 9117 Villagewood Dr. It's the only home I knew as a child. We never moved. My parents built their current house long after I moved out. As I drove by I noticed my little brother's playset from 1989 still in the yard. I remembered how my two brothers camped out in that playset in April of the year my older brother died in May. I noticed the "woods" (a group of pine trees) where we used to climb the trees in our dress up clothes and pretend each tree was our house. It seemed so high up in those days. I noticed the Magnolia tree we planted when I was about 5. I pointed out my old bedroom window to Kiley. She was unamused. Then, I drove around the neighborhood and pointed out all of my friends' houses. As I recalled my entire childhood in those fifteen minutes or so, it dawned on me that my current house is nothing for my daughters save the memories we create there. I realized that I will never recapture the innocence and feeling of "home" we had there on Villagewood. Hmmm, sort of puts things in perspective doesn't it?

Dad

We made it!! The RV trip was a success. We had a blast! That is the way to travel! Although they lost, the Indians played well. Many of you have been asking about my Dad and I have not been able to give much of an update. Kiley and I arrived here today and Dad's eyes lit up when he saw Kiley. He tried to get out of bed but was unable. He is especially fatigued because he just finished another course of radiation. The doctors say that he will be wiped out for the next 7-10 days. So, we are hoping he will have an upswing in the next couple of weeks. Please continue to pray for that because it will be a good sign if his strength returns when we expect it to. He is noticeably weaker than when we were here a month ago. Last month, we took some family pictures and I am glad we did. Thank you for all your support and prayers. I really need them. We are bringing a lot of energy and noise into Mee-Mee and Paw-Paw's house. I hope they don't mind. Somehow, I don't think they will. The one thing I will take away from this visit is how vibrant blue my Dad's eyes are. Even though he feels like crap, his eyes are bright! We'll see everyone on Tuesday.

Love

Sometimes Brad surprises me with how selfless he can be. I don't give him enough credit always, but I can see this is something he is working on a lot. I can see more and more him trying to find my needs and fulfill them. Of course, he cannot fulfill all my needs nor is he expected to and sometimes this weighs him down. Brad is a knight in shining armour kind of guy. But yesterday he did something that most people just can't get. But to me it was such a sweet display of love. We had our longest training run yesterday, 20 miles!!! We could not have asked for a more perfect day for running, temp was in the 50's-60's, sunny, flat road. But there was a strong head wind on the return trip. I made a comment about it not really expecting Brad to try to do anything about it, but he offered to run in front of me to sheild me from the wind. To those of you who are runners, you understand how significant this is. He blocked the wind for me for about an hour. It really helped me save my energy. I thought to myself, now this is love! This is one of those pure moments in life that you can't plan or create, they just happen at a meaningful time and become meaningful memories. I am thankful we made it this far in our trainging, but mostly I am thankful we have done it together. Training for the marathon has truly helped our marriage. There are not many people in the world who can say they trained for a marathon individually, much less as a couple. We are so blessed to be this healthy. And what a rush finishing 20 miles with the one you love!!!! Chicago here we come!!!

Refine

Many commodities on Earth have to undergo a refining process before they are pure products. Oil, milk, diamonds just to name a few. You know, people are no different. Part of being part of this life is undergoing a refining process. Brad always says we have a refining relationship where iron sharpens iron. Right now, I am going through another refining process with my Dad and I know I will be better for it on the other side of this. There is a Phillips, Craig, and Dean song that says 'let me find the blessing in the thorn'. I fear this will be a long refining process. I am grateful for the insight of this process that reminds me to notice other's pain around me. My prayers are weak right now because I feel overwhelmed but there is still a little light inside me that urges me to keep praying. I have to be honest and say that this is one of those times where my faith is waning. I struggle to understand, to control, to fix. But I can't. All I can do is try to see how this will help me help the next person. I am thankful that I am being refined because it means that my life is becoming more pure all the time and I can be more grateful for the pure joys this life has to offer. I have this great opportunity to focus on my children and embrace their youth and innocence. My Dad would not hear of me taking time away from them to be with him. His resignation to this disease is as disheartening as anything. But, once again, it is not within my control. I talked to Dad tonight and he sounded weak but he tries so hard to put on a good show. He perks up when he talks to Kiley. It breaks my heart. I have an opportunity with our new RV to create some real memories in my children's lives. I think if nothing else, I am purer in my wants than ever before. This situation with my Dad has me reflecting a lot on my childhood and I am comitted to making my girls' childhood memories a priority.

Helpless

I don't really enjoy talking about my father's situation. It's not that I mind people asking me how things are going. It's that I have such hate for this cancer because it makes me feel helpless and speechless. His situation and his health are so totally out of my control that if I talk about it, I cry. Since I have to continue to function, I am finding new ways to stay busy all the time so I don't have to deal with it. I have come to grips with the fact that this disease is going to claim his life. I knew a long time ago that he would have to be plagued physically to have a chance to change his relationship with God. In many ways, I see every day he is alive as a chance to do that. However, I have realized that he made up his mind long ago what his relationship with God was going to be and he is not going to budge from that decision. I've heard of midnight hour type revalations and changes of heart, but I don't think that is going to happen here and I am truly depressed over that. Perhaps more troubling to me, though, is that I am also powerless to ease his discomfort. My father is 61 years old and his days consist of getting out of bed (which takes all of his energy), reading the paper, going to radiation, and coming home to take a rest and finish reading the paper. He does little else outside of these activities. It pains me to know that this once vivacious man has been reduced to the shell of a person I now know and that my children's memories of him will be limited to what they witness through the eyes of this disease. I have no words to describe all my emotions, so I prefer not to talk about it. I watched my wedding video a few nights ago and Kiley recognized my Dad on the screen and it made me stop and really notice him as I have never noticed him before. He moved with such energy and he had such a beautiful smile and so much love in his eyes and, of course, pain at the same time most likely due to giving me away. It was good to see him healthy. As of today, it looks like there are more tumors on the back of his neck. We have no idea what this means. They have told us he has 12-18 months to live. I crave to make the most of this time by taking trips and living life to the fullest, but this is not his desire, nor does he possess the energy to do it anyway. So, I see a lot of trips to Chattanooga in our future. I have invested about as much of myself as I can into the situation and I have not had much left over for my children and husband. I think today, I have realized just how helpless I am to do anything but watch the next several months unfold as they will and try to keep a positive attitude. I will run this marathon in October dedicated to him. I think it will be a very tough run mentally. Life is too short to waste it on things that are not true commodities in this life.

Walk

If you've ever set your mind to running any distance at all, you know that in order to build up your endurance you need to perform cycles of running followed by walking followed by running and so on in order to reach your distance goal. Well, I am training for a marathon with my husband, Brad. This will be my second and, likely, last marathon. Things are definitely busier this time out now that I have two children and a new job, etc, etc, etc. But I've learned a lot about walking this week. I had to run 18 miles yesterday building up in our training regimen. Overall, it was a very successful run. I always have to fight my tendencey to use my energy early on in the run and yesterday was no exception. Since my life is somewhat busier, I tend to rush through my runs to get home to be mom and wife. Yesterday, I learned, once again, the importance of walking. When you set out to "run" 18 miles, you will not make it without stopping to walk some. In those moments when I am walking, I have to let my muscles rest, my mind relax, stretch out my shoulders, lower my arms. There is a ritual of relaxation I must put my body through in order to regain my strength to begin running again. I know this from doing it over and over and over. When I force myself to slow down, it is amazing how my body rejuvenates even in those 2-3 minutes to prepare itself to work hard for me again. By now, you can see where I'm going with this. We must put aside the guilt of parenting, the myths about not being enough of "whatever" it is we are suppsosed to be, and simply anything that distracts us from taking those moments of rest to recharge. I don't know about you, but God is trying to teach me this lesson again. Apparently, I have to learn it the hard way. I have to spend 18 miles worth of time with Him before it sinks in. Walk...