Today

Whew! I am coming up for air. We made it home late yesterday afternoon. I spent all evening learning how to give pain medicine, how to move him safely, and a whole lot of other things you don't want to know about. But I just keeping thinking, he would do the same thing for me if he had to. I have somehow made it to survival mode. Early yesterday morning, the hospice nurse had a talk with me about how it is more difficult for someone to let go if they do not perceive they have permission to do so. I have pretty much been a basket case since I got here on Tuesday. Yesterday morning seems like a long time ago now. I can tell that everyone is praying because I have no other explanation for why I was suddenly able to turn off the tears and get prepared to care for him. It is surreal. The days are running together, so forgive me if my timeline gets off. Anyway, he is pretty alert. He has an incredible pain and medication tolerance. The man will not sleep! He nods off some but if I had as much medicine as he has, I would be out. He is not complaining of pain, though, and that is the main goal. He is using all his strength to hold on right now. The hospice nurse told us he might rally and we are not sure how long that will last, but he seems to have definitely rallied since coming home. He has an amazing view out of his bedroom window. I will try to post a picture of it sometime. You've no idea how amazing it is. They have a family of eagles that nest there every year. They came to visit today. He watched three of them flying right outside his window!!! The house is pretty high on a hill so he is right at their level. So much life all around him. Hm, seems ironic. I feel comfortable in saying that I have made my goodbye with him and now am able to focus on loving him as he prepares for the next phase. He still has a sense of humor. We call me "the bartender". We joke about his meds being his drink of choice! I have been showing him pictures of the girls. Technology is great. Brad's Dad has been emailing pics to my phone and I am able to show them to him. It is some of the only time he really lights up and smiles. If you don't know my Dad, his eyes are hauntingly blue and he just stares right through you with those eyes. All of his caregivers say the same thing about those eyes. I will probably remember those the most about his physical features. He has been able to talk to us about funeral arrangements and all the tedious things we don't want to have to decided without his input. What a blessing. Mom is doing really well. You will be proud to know, we are agreeing on everything! We make a pretty good team when we have to. There are so many things happening right now that I think, 'Oh I need to blog about that' but I can't recall them all. So, it will have to wait for later. If he remains stable over the weekend, we are going to try to arrage back up care for him. I have a cousin in town that is a nurse who is willing to sit with him. Others have volunteered but it will require someone with some medical training to be with him in case he becomes distressed. So, if we can work that out, I am going to come home on Tuesday and get organized and see my family. Then, I will come back out here as soon as needed. Thanks for all the prayers everyone. You will never know how much I appreciate it. You all know I am horrible with thank you notes, but I am deeply grateful. More later--